Down Country

Well, my roommate and I were doing what we do when the topic of dating in a hicktown came up. What do you do when there isn’t a lovely theatah at the edge of the square or the taxi won’t be along to pick you up after a night of clinking glasses of champagne in your evening gowns? Allow me to enlighten you - this is how we do it in the middle of nowhere.

10. Hanging out on the old plaid couch with a beer in hand and Larry the Cable Guy on the tube. We don’t have to go anywhere to have a good time. Larry is always good for a laugh, and the more beer you throw back, the funnier he gets.

9. Working on that rusty pile of crap he calls his truck. I don’t know that this is really a date, but let’s face it. About every other time you’re supposed to head to the local watering hole or Petunia’s Pies for Profit, his truck won’t start and you spend half the night jimmying with it until it does.

8. Casting a line into the river and cooking up a mess of fish. Everybody’s got to eat, right? It tastes a lot better when you do it all yourself. And who wouldn’t want to hang out with their sweetie in their cut-off jeans on a hot summer night?

7. Driving the back roads and belting out country tunes. You spent the earlier date of the week fixing up his truck. After all that hard work, you better get to enjoy a little bit of it. Throw in a beer or two and you’ve got yourself a booze cruise. Just watch out for the fuzz and be careful about straddling the stickshift…

6. Dancing in the hayloft. It’s a good group party, but it can be a nice little one-on-one thing. Haylofts are generally empty except for some mice and birds. Put on a coupla slow ones or make your own music.

5. Spotlighting, coon hunting, target practice, blowing things up. Some of the best nights I ever had were spent traipsing cross country in pursuit of some four-footed creature, preparing to blow up a beaver dam or spraying rounds towards a row of riddled tin cans. Who hasn’t been gazing up into another’s eyes, ready for that first kiss, when he holds up his hand and says, “Wait, there that little turd is!” and then blasts three bullets at the animal you’d been tailing all night. Really puts you in the mood, ya know?

4. Get a little mud on those tires, mister! Get dirty! And by that I mean go muddin’. One thing the country has in abundance is old dirt roads that, after a good couple inches of rain, are perfect for a favorite hicktown pastime. In the absence of a mud road or a truck that stays running long enough, go 4-wheeling. The steepest inclines and ditches provide the dangerous best entertainment.

3. Get yer spurs on, boy. We’re going horseback riding. They say animals bring people closer together, and I believe it. The wind running through your hair, racing along the countryside, living life with abandon…that’s where it’s at.

2. Take in one of the many hicktown adventures. There’s a ton of them. City folks just don’t know where to look. Rodeos, demo derbies, ferris wheel rides at the county fairs, monster trucks and the list goes on. This is country socialization at its best. The things that go on at these events can’t be made up; you just have to experience it.

1. Lie in the back of a truck and watch the stars. By far, this is my all-time favorite. What can beat a balmy summer night with the quietness of the country surrounding you as you gaze up at the stars and talk about life with someone you deem special enough to put your time into? It’s the stuff country songs are made of, and it’s the best of the top 10 list for that very reason.

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